“Lessons from Sonny”
Fiction. Based on a True Revelation on Love.
I was a ex-wifey gone wild after the divorce…and I’ve had my “fun” run for the past 7 years. Dated many from all walks of life. Now, it’s time you discipline yourself back to who you really want to be–back to that wifey material.
Lessons You’re learning from your dear Ex-Lover & Friend, Sonny.
What if you could apply the virtues he has and apply it to Branson, the energetic mirror version of him (cue in Adelie’s “Someone Like You”)
Be patient and kind.
Sonny was patient and kind to you–all the time.
You remember when you were a few months into the relationship, you still had aching thoughts about your ex from college, even though you had already started anew with Sonny. Instead of feeling insecure, he told you to take your sweet time processing those feelings–that what you were feeling was normal because it was a deep relationship.
Love him, just the way he is, exactly the way he is.
And that’s how you may attract Branson back into your life. Whether he knows it, consciously or subconsciously, he’s been waiting for you to transform your resentments. He’s really familiar with hurt women who have had difficulties letting go of the hurts from the past.
Patience, Kindness, Truth, and Forgiveness.
Patience is the process you give yourself, knowing that you are perfect, whole and complete in your forming, learning, and growing in spirit. And at times, their impatience in my process leads to anger, which comes off as criticism–where it becomes more pointing out of the faults rather than highlighting the virtues and nurturing it from that space.
Kindness is seeing the good in the good, bad and ugly, while giving grace to the latter two. Love covers…a new concept that you are not that familiar with.
Truth: Perhaps it was because of the way you were raised–your parents thought it would be beneficial to your growth to keep it real with you at all times. However, the fine line between keeping it real and criticizing, and inadvertently causing disengagement is a thin one–Rick Warren talked about having tact and kindness in confronting the truth.
You grapple with this concept. Having tact. How do you call out the shit in others without making them feel bad or feel like you’re attacking them? You hide the truth in story so they can see it and discover it for themselves.
Father Gregory Boyle talked about how having conflict is necessary in a healthy relationship and that the gang members that he’s worked with never had conflicts, but only senseless fighting. Conflict is speaking the truth, speaking from the heart, a place of gentle and firmness that a true friend would have when they see another person acting inauthentically.
Forgiveness: You have a better time forgiving others than forgiving yourself. Forgiving—For me it’s forgiving the fact that I had two abortions in my early twenties with Sonny. So why are you drawn to watching all these documentaries on occult sacrifices of babies? It’s the inner guilt. God has already forgiven you for your two abortions, and now you are 33, without child. And now you think about other celebrities who have forfeited their children (abortions), treating it like it was an “inconvenience” rather than seeing it as killing human life –You were deceived. Now you don’t have any kids and your friends have all moved on with families. You must forgive yourself on this point before moving forward.
You ignore those who give you too much loving attention.
Why is that?
Recently, Roman interviewed you in a podcast and asked you, “Can you love someone when you don’t love yourself?”
“No,” you said.
It was instinctual.
“Why not?” he pushed onward.
“Because whatever is happening within me is also happening outside,” you say, “so if I don’t love myself, how can I love someone else? I would only attract someone who says he may love me but acts in the contrary and vice versa.”
The man who used to love you and who now became your friend, German, told you the truth the other day when you were at a Love festival, celebrating love while the man you love was far away.
You had told him what you did to Branson while you had the chance of real love with him.
“Yeah, he’s done with you,” German told you.
“But he wanted to be sexually exclusive,” you said, “doesn’t that mean that he just wanted me for my body while he goes and dates other women? Like I’m some throwback, ‘stand in’ girl, while he dates other girls?”
“Wow, now that’s a hurt woman speaking,” he said to you, “That’s man translation for ‘I only want to be with you.’ ”
She heard it for the first time.
Branson really loves you.
And you feel it that he still loves you.
“Shit. I thought that meant he just wanted me for my body,” you said. “And the worst part was that I started getting anxiety attacks again. One night he was with his client and told me that he would be busy the next few days. And I remember calling him, knowing he was with his client, and when it got to voicemail, I had a serious panic attack. I don’t know if you ever have gotten one before–but it feels like you’re dying. It brought me back to those many nights when I would call Sonny while he was out with the other woman. And when he would come home, he would lie to my face. Give me elaborate stories of why he was late. I had caught him multiple times lying to me–he would tell me he was at this flight
“You got to see a therapist,” German said to you.
“Even if you have this chance with him, or whatever, you got to see someone first and process this, or else it will happen again, no matter who you are with.”
“I understand it and I accept it”
By his understanding it and accepting it–accepting where you were, exactly as you are, it made you love him more, and it was actually soon that you were able to completely get over your ex and you naturally gravitated towards loving him.
At this very moment, can you accept that the one doesn’t trust you?
Can you sit with this knowing that he doesn’t trust you?
At this very moment, can you accept that the one is dating other women…perhaps multiple ones?
Can you sit with this knowing that he is having intimate relations with other women?
At this very moment, can you accept that the one is thinks you’re rude, impetuous, and arrogant?
Can you sit with this knowing that he thinks this of you and that he’s not without grounds to think this way about you.
Now the difficult part.
Sonny knew when he got the other girl pregnant and he had to leave you once and for all, he had to let go of one of the greatest loves of his life–You.
Can you understand and accept the fact that there is a high probability that you will have to let go of the one to another woman who may carry his seed by now?
You hesitate….but the truth hurts.
Can you accept the fact that it had hurt Sonny just as much as it had hurt you to have to say goodbye to you, both of you said good bye in such a shameful way–he getting the other woman pregnant and you exposing his sins to his family, friends, and colleagues?
And now, you journal about Branson in this very real and public way–this ability to create a new way of journaling and journalism, integrating your true love into the stories hidden in fiction, do you realize that part of the reason Branson is not responding to your long texts is because he doesn’t want to be exposed as the person in this story?
He’s comfortable in secrecy.
And you are a journalist and storyteller.
The cost is the real possibility that you and his window of opportunity to have started a family, to have this amazing connection, friendship, and years of falling in love, waking up in each other’s arms, frollicking under the sheets, traveling in places for social impact, and witnessing each other’s growth in this world…are you willing to accept that the low self worth you projected of yourself, derived from the unconfronted wounds of how much Sonny had really hurt you and how much you had really hurt yourself, could have a real cost of having you to really let Branson go?
…Yes. You are willing to accept this truth… that the possibility of his never ever coming back to you…as final as a baby in a woman’s body that your ex had implanted…as final as the two fetuses you and Sonny had both killed…. this totality…this finality…is a one way street.
Perhaps that’s why you had met Branson—so you can put yourself in Sonny’s shoes and really see it from his perspective.
So you can see the cost of just how much infidelity and baby killing had cost you [Milo’s validation of what I have been feeling
It had almost cost your life.
2 suicide attempts and 3 mental health hospitalizations, the third was the lithium.
And a few days ago, you met a man who wanted your body, and you had a feeling–it came from holy spirit, and so you brought it up: “Do you have a wife?”
You felt disgusted and there was the dark side of your spirit that felt pleasure at hurting the other woman. The pleasure pain, good evil, Harvey’s two face of the same coin–that moment you thought of the show, “Being Mary Jane” and you are once again reminded that you are but in a simulation of this version of reality. The name of the game is to keep hope. Choose be, and focus on your goal while you are patiently waiting for him while you work on yourself and he works on himself. That’s keeping the faith. You allow him to have his fun with the girls. You know that he meets is as deep as you are with him. No girl that he’s dating will ever get to that level of depth. It was the same complaint that your ex-fiance had called you the beginning of this year to let you know. It was already too late with him. He has a wife and a son with her.
It’s not too late for Branson. There’s a sliver of hope and perhaps a silver lining. A slim window and every single move you make counts…Mario’s out and Luigi is tagged (original Nintendo Mario Brothers game), you’re out of powerups, and now it is the last level, and you are about to confront Kulpa to rescue the princess from the dark castle.
You know the key to this level is finding the key to unlocking your own heart first.
To apologize to his wife –you didn’t mean it. You only want his company to donate to your non profit–you don’t want to sleep with this man as attracted as he is to you. You equate this move as if you were going to kill your own dog, Roxy–sleeping with a married man and doing that to his wifey–it would be like doing that to your mom or to yourself.
It must stop. Let that go. Not worth it–not even the risk. Wifees know intuitively that their husbands are cheating. You knew… Our bodies are connected with the men we love.
That is the worst feeling any woman can feel.
You wonder how many times your ex-husband had to forgo women who were hitting on him when you both were in a relationship.
You wonder because he never flirted in front of you with other women. He never gave you a hint that you would be worried….not until that last half year.
You also trust Branson would never respect a woman who stabs her friend in the back to get to him. You also know that Branson would never intentionally hurt you like that, no matter how much you had hurt him. You also know that you are his and he is yours. The way your body fit right into his. He knows that your body is the type he is sexually attracted to.
“You’re so soft,” he had said. And hard at the same time. He would think. A bold, passionate, sharp woman, with a kind heart.
Women like you are self-centered, but not selfish.
Women like you are too forward and rude, but not manipulative.
Women like you have allowed resentments to fester, but you also are very resilient.
Women like you are like water.
You got a sign a few days ago.
It was a kettle at a friend’s house. You noticed, when you were about to make a pot of hot water for tea, you noticed that the water was leaking through the multiple points on the pot.
You looked inside and noticed that it had rusted. This pot of steel had rusted from the water that was sitting there, creating iron in the steel kettle. The Iron had rusted the steel and created holes.
You realize that Branson is steel and you are his water. His higher consciousness has been waiting for you to just be with him. Think about him and keep blessing him, praying for him, and loving him while you work on loving yourself (cue Justin Bieber’s Love Yourself). Keep no mind of other men, other people who want you for all the wrong reasons because you know the only man in this world right now who loves you for all the right reasons is the man who is still watching you from a distance, and hoping, while walking through his own process of love, compassion, and self-discovery.
Be the water to his steele so he may let the water run down through his body. He loves you very much. You can feel it.
Now just be the sun, the moon, Ming
the earth, and the water, Jie.
[Rick Warren’s Love Lets it Go, Part 3]
Rick Warren would say, “delete it, don’t repeat it.”
There are 3 ways to repeat something:
- Emotionally in our minds (rehearsing it)
- Relationally as a weapon
- practically and verbally by telling other people.
Resentment is emotional suicide. It’s like taking fire in your heart and burning yourself in it (self-destruction).
Whatever you rehearse, you begin to resemble.
So Give the Fire to God to transform it into Fuel for the Holy Spirit.
There are 3 Gifts from the Holy Spirit:
The Power of the Tongue (the ability to speak with angels and fallen angels)
The Power of Prophecy (Like a rearview mirror, objects seem further than they appear, Then you can go faster without speeding).
The Power of Knowledge (the Darkside of the moon, the esoteric knowledge, All knowing, including what is missing).
For the Hero’s Workshop
Journaling, Journalism, and the Personal Journey