You want to send the letter to Branson, and you’re on the second draft by the time you’re at Mokkiji Shabu. The steam from the hot pot steams the tear streaming down your right cheek. Your writing hits a nerve.
“I am becoming the woman I want to see. The woman who doesn’t need to keep dating men any longer just to validate her worth.
And the man who once treated her with respect, patience, and kindness is the ghost that leads me to you..”
It was the last drunken straw that broke the camel’s back when you had pushed him away. It was the last time you would say you hated him, you wanted a divorce, you tried kicking him out of his own home. When he finally left, you made it a story that he was a sociopath–and perhaps he could have been, but his being with you made him a better person. You had so much to do with his being a better person. You always told people that he was your rock, but forgot to realize how much you were a rock to him. You forgot how much he really loved you and still loves you. He just deals with expressing love and dealing with love differently.
This man truly loved you.
You were the first woman he has taken home to see his parents.
You were the first woman that he has written a card for.
You were the first woman he married.
The first woman who carried his children.
The first woman who he took to show off to his bosses.
He was so proud of you.
The man loved you so much, and treated you as an equal, talked to you as an equal, laughed, cried, and made love as an equal.
The man who wrote this poem to you:
there you are,
rose amongst the weeds,
subtle as the summer breeze you’re perfectly seen,
a gift to me you shine so brightly,
like a diamond in the sky,
and you’re the reason why, you opened up my eyes,
you’re like a portrait or a picture painted very long ago,
a moment frozen in time,
immortalized in my mind,
never lost a precious find,
a poetic silhouette for my eyes…
can’t imagine me without the missing piece
like a puzzle incomplete
but together are a masterpiece
i used to dream and fantasize of you and I
spending any time and now i’m so overjoyed
that I have found the missing piece to my life
if I could travel back in time
for the creation of life
i’m sure that what God did for me
would have been this very thing
within you divine and supreme
The Great Advice
You received great advice from a filmmaker friend who runs a podcast show on relationships, intimacy, and love.
“By allowing him to just be and loving him wherever he is, whoever he is, and whoever he is not, that is where you will experience the miracles,” he says.
Truth is, you know that playbook very well–that playbook won you 6 golden years of love, excitement, and deep partnership with Sonny.
You realize you didn’t use that playbook this time because you didn’t allow yourself to see the beautiful garden you and Sonny grew. You only focused on the pain of heartbreak.
So you rebelled against the playbook. The playbook of unconditional acceptance as the transformative ingredient to ascending your soulmate.
After advocating to the world on the importance of embracing the pain and transforming it, there you are, with a golden opportunity to do it again with Branson, and you took that playbook and ripped it up.
The stories in your head that Sonny was responsible for your suicide attempt, for your depression, for the downward spiral–the point of view that is pointless because these are lies whispered.
The truth is that he loves you truly, madly and deeply.
The truth cuts through like a doctor’s incision into a collapsing pair of lungs, giving the body oxygen….
life pumping into the red blood cells, moving through the circuitry of the heart’s love song.
Redfin popped up a few days ago and the condo property that Sonny scouted, secured, and had given you went up 200%. Had you forgiven yourself for pushing him away and owned up to the responsibility for the dissolution of your marriage, then perhaps you would have been more grateful that he provided such wealth for you. But you had sold it at first chance. The love in that house was too painful, or so you thought, but in actuality, you were impatient for the process of self-realizing the truth that Sonny loves you so much, before and even now.
The realization that he gave you everything that he could give at the state that he was in. He gave you his heart, his thoughts, his entire being, and because you were inside your head, you had made him feel like all his giving wasn’t enough.
And it wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t that he was not enough. It was that you wanted to take Siddhartha’s journey; you wanted to become a journalist, do more, be more, imprint more, stand for more. And now you in process towards that, you look around and realize that he let you go so you could be that.
His ghost is always there with you. Every move you make. His ghost and Branson’s ghost.
It weaves through the winds and whispers encouragement to keep going. He wishes nothing but the best for you. This you can feel it in your heart.
Love is knowing the other completely and still loving them completely.
Love does not seek its own way. 1 Corinthians 13, Verse 5. NIV.
“The discipline of loving someone wherever they are will be the greatest mastery of love I will have conquered in this lifetime,” you declare to Julian.
“Hug yourself,” he says to you, “Need I remind you what woman has come up with your idea, founded your company, and created the type of showcases you produce at your age.”
You smile. You do forget. He reminds you.
You both graduated from Milestone. He tells you that he has been tested lately as well, impatient with other people’s triggers and making people wrong about it. “There’s so much of it going on. That’s the thing about people’s opinions–it’s a point of view. There is no right or wrong. That’s just the point,” Julian says.
“The point is that it’s pointless,” you pointed out.
You both laugh and you could hear him smiling on the other end of the phone.
He gives all the credit to Milestone. You want to tell him that Milestone gives you 99% of the truth: Life is empty and meaningless and it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless, except for love, as defined in 1 Corinthians 13.
You have the missing piece for him.
But you withhold.
You don’t want to preach, but just be. Be a witness to him. You withhold from telling him about the cost of magic from your experience at Milestone. You withhold not because he doesn’t deserve to know, but because there is a time and place for everything. Tapping into Holy Spirit through Jesus’ walk is the secret sauce to spiritual ascension.
Be wise as a serpent, as peaceful as a dove. Matthew 10:16
You think about Paul’s letter to the church leaders of Corinth. It is about making peace and making friends.
You organized your stacks of business cards you’ve put off for the past 2 years. It almost made you not want to attend another conference or event. What’s the point if you don’t follow through? Well, it’s time to follow through now that you’re organizing it into your Mailchimp list.
You and Julian discuss partnering up to co-produce two showcases that integrates a live podcast in front of audiences. You have also talked with Bjork, your organization’s advisor, who has to now step back now because she has to provide for her wife and two kids. She’s a trooper and can get you hooked up with Young Latinas, an organization that serves and empowers inner city young Latina women.
You request that she gets connected with Branson because he also serves similar demographics with the non profit he has founded. You are so proud of him, and you admire him from afar, wondering if ever your stars will cross again.
Something tells you the answer is yes.
Your heart aches for him, and as the Halloween approaches, that pull is stronger because that is the anniversary where you two have consummated, where you had professed your love for him and his body professed his love for you, a space in time where you both found love manifested in the love making and intimacy.
Later you head over to a Halloween Party in Beverly Hills put on by Echoing Soundz. Your girlfriend calls whilst you are at the VIP room with the artists, Mark, your PR friend and his group of friends.
You get a call from your girlfriend, Tran, and you step outside to take the call. She tells you that she has recently broken up with her boyfriend. She says that she has had enough. She tried being open minded to a polyamorous relationship, but in the end she couldn’t take the charades.
“It was all an act,” she tells you. “He told me he had different appetites he needed to satiate. I tried to be understanding because I knew that it stemmed from childhood trauma, but at this point whenever I go out with him, it feels like the joke’s on me. I could almost hear the people around us snickering at me, as if I have ‘Sucker’ written all over my forehead,” she says. Her voice is cracking. She starts talking faster as if to outrun the floodgates. “Everybody knows he’s sleeping with other women. When we go out, it’s all smiles, but everybody knows that he’s sleeping with this girl and that girl. I don’t even know who it is he’s sleeping with, but it seems like everybody else knows. But what kills me more about this is that the other woman knows that she’s sleeping with my man and she could be smiling and hugging me like I’m the punchline to some sick joke”
“I’m sorry Tran,” you say.
“I’m driving myself crazy thinking which pretty girl is taking in my man’s body.” Tran is now sobbing. “She could be giving me hugs and smiling to my face, and I wouldn’t even know it. I’m physically sick just thinking about it!”
You couldn’t do it because you’ve done it, and you didn’t think that Tran could either. Four of five months of seeing the Instagram photos of their outings, the red carpet events they go to, the glitz and glam of traveling to far east countries–the jet-setting lifestyle, you actually had begun thinking that perhaps polyamory could be transformation–couples having extra marital affairs, turning a blind eye to each other’s sexcapades, flings just to keep the marriage alive. It’s a tempting proposition, but because the type of girlfriends you have are the Type A, strong business oriented type of women, you knew that the idea of sharing your man with other women just seemed…off.
It felt like settling.
You haven’t ascended into this dimension to settle.
You can here to win souls in glory for God.
Once upon a time ago, your mother had told you that there are two types of love, and one day you’ll have to choose:
“You either be with someone you love more or be with someone who loves you more.
If you choose someone who you love more, than you will suffer a lot, but if you choose someone who love you more, you’ll have longer days of happiness.”
Yet, you couldn’t believe the latter part of what she said since she had chosen the former and had never experienced the latter.
Actions speak louder than words.
Being is more powerful than preaching.
You’ve always chosen to love the other person more.
And given the choice again, you’d do it the same.
What better exercise of a woman’s empowerment than to love a man whom you choose to love?
It excites you to pursue him.
You have friends who have chosen men who love them more. The men treat them like queens. You don’t want to be treated like a queen. You wanted to be treated like a life partner.
Someone Like You
Branson had called you last fall season and said to you, “I can see us being life long friends.”
He’s right. You want to be his life long partner.
Homie, lover, friend.
You won’t have it any other way with him.
You’re stubborn. A capricorn. Own it.
You won’t settle for less.
You want a man like Sonny again.
You found Sonny in Branson.
Time and again, you know that that is the type of man you want.
B in a sea of men.
The party was packed with a variety of characters in their full expression. The trap music was popping, and Rick James, Rihanna, and Avatar were on the dance floor poppin booties and bottles. You close your eyes and imagine Branson walking through the door, and his eyes fall upon you like fall leaves, soft and subtle. The sight of you arouses his entire body. It sends electricity across the room. You meet each other halfway, he puts his hands around your waste, warming your body into hot sake, and with the other hand, he gently pulls your head towards his, locking lips in the middle of monster’s ball.
Just like last year.
Except it’s this year, and you open your eyes and realize that your imagination is actively manifesting a possibility into the future. The byproduct is the gap colored by his absence in backdrop of daemons manifest. You learn to counterbalance the gap. You remind yourself:
It’s being in the possibility as if you already have it.
You awaken to embracing the energy of this room. You look around and see how African Americans have come a long way from the time they were systematically objectified, tortured and abused a century ago.
Then you feel the low frequency energy of sex, power, and money fill this room. The trap music is an attempt to trap us continually in the beast system. There, you realize that regardless of color, we are all in the seduction of the beast system.
You realize that you have been condemning Branson for playing into the beast system instead of having empathy for why he did it.
You stand in the middle of this chaos and can see why he chose it.
Both of you are in the Dragon’s head. The time is now.
Condemning him is just as fair as it is condemning yourself for loving him in spite of knowing he is still seduced just as you are being seduced.
While you were driving to your new co-working space that evening, a radio host had said, “We can’t help but have empathy for the devil,” right after he announced a Halloween party and right before he started playing Led Zeppelin.
We were designed to have empathy for the devil.
God designed us that way.
Perhaps it’s the same reason why you love Branson in spite of.
In so many ways, B reminds you of Tran’s boyfriend–the business man in the entertainment industry constantly surrounded by beautiful women. You look around at the party in Beverly Hills and realize just how many gorgeous women there are–how many countless models, actresses, singers there are in the mix and so few key influencers that could actually make their careers available. What chance do you have with him if not for love?
What chance do you having growing a publisher based on the Gospel of God’s Love among a sea of gossip publishing competing for the same market?
if not for Love.
With Love you have a sliver of a chance in this fallen world.
You bank your entire hope, your dreams, your love on that 1% of possibility.
You still live life making deals, you still exchange in commerce, you still share information with guarded discernment, but when it comes to complete trust, that is only reserved for God.
God guides you as you operate among the underworld.
You see faces like Dwayne’s –hustlers. The man you had invested money and time in. The man who lied, cheated, and stolen on the business deal. So many Dwaynes in this crowd. Dwaynes who have a wife and two kids, lost among the sea of sirens, who are but eves influenced by queen jezebel.
All the Pretty Girls
You then can see how the Harvey Weinstein phenomenon happened. How Harvey’s wife turned a blind eye so long as she got her fashion line out, how many of the actresses who have slept with Harvey, some with eyes wide shut, others with eyes wide open, who all play an acting role propelling the beast system to continue churning out hate, pain, and anger.
Harvey’s wife knew she was the butt end of a joke to every pretentious smile. Did it drive her crazy knowing that she didn’t know which actress he was sleeping with? She lost her integrity in the deal and traded her child spirit for green paper, golden statues, and labels with words that tell her that she is better than the rest. And that is why the minute he started falling, she wanted to file for a divorce. She never loved him….or rather, whatever love she once had for him, had been overtime hacked away like the Giving Tree (Shel Silverstein reference). Her heart has become a short stump, just enough for Harvey to sit on while any ounce of dignity she had was forfeited by money.
And this is how money can slowly transform a hopeful heart into a bitter one.
It all started with a choice.
Do you enable or do you disable?
Enable is saying yes, I choose to turn a blind eye in exchange for fame and money.
Disabling is saying no, I choose to get right with God. I choose a new playbook whose secret sauce is the longview. Playing a game in the upside down world with eyes wide open.
Bjork had told you she thought you were amazing–a woman who thinks big in the world. She is developing feelings for you and you had to nip it in the bud and let her know to reach out to Branson to broker the social cause relationship.
Loyalties and Royalties
You are ready to deal with your black goo, burn your heart with holy fire by leveraging truth to shine a light upon the hidden parts molding in the dark.
When you got home, you started eating black seedless grapes. You realize that you’ll be off again.
This time to the mountains and into the written word.
You imagine that Branson would show up right around the time you are about to cross that threshold where you bring more glory to God, as both a test to see if you’ll bring him to God or he’ll bring you to back to the family of Cain, where you came from.
Saturn wants you to return. He would later say to you, by which God will command you to remind him of his roots.
God wants you to return. would be your answer.
Just focus on your loyalty to Jesus’ walk and the Holy Trinity.
And the Royalties will follow.
This is God’s command and his promise, respectively.
All God asks for is your patience.
The door is open now.
It’s time for you to spread your beautiful phoenix wings,
burn into the beautiful bird you are designed to become,
and own your full beauty while in full expansion.