You left the podcast interview feeling like a total failure.
You have an inkling as to why that’s so.
You mentioned God and Jesus in a tech podcast.
It felt like you had completely disrespected the theme of the show, one that is concentrated on “tech” and “scientific,” like you had let down the host of the show and Jesus, and Judah Smith, Mel Novak, and Cristina Marzullo, all spiritual catalyzers during your lukewarm phase of spirituality.
When Z asked for mentors, how come you didn’t mention their names?
You were embarrassed about being Christian.
You thought about the story of Peter in Jesus’ last days…How he had denied his name three times before the Rooster roosted.
You were still concerned about looking good and fitting into the Silicon Beach Tech scene.
You left feeling defeated. You failed to give props to Judah Smith, Cristina Marzullo, and Mel Novak, three Christian mentors who really helped point you towards the truth of what love is.
Remember how you defeat the devil:
“I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I kill with my heart.”
-Stephen King’s The Dark Tower Series
It is about breaking your heart open, about being authentic to your truth, vulnerable in admitting your weaknesses, and creative in your solutions.
You emphasized 1 Corinthians 13, you did mention life as being more rather than doing more, specifically being more in love, as defined in verses 4-7. You did mention sacred geometry and esoterics, those who have awakened go on the hero’s journey–to get out of the ordinary world and into the extraordinary. The Call to Adventure is through the supernatural world in this context to the natural world. You failed to mention the power of the word, the power of the Holy Trinity–father, son, and holy ghost–speaking of possibilities.
“I was concerned about being too preachy,” you later confess to Mysty.
She assures you that you are capable of speaking strongly for the truth. “Let Holy spirit guide you. Take a bold stand and be encouraged. God gives you a spirit of boldness and strong will. It is the devil that tries to discourage you and distract you.”
After the podcast, Z told you that she appreciates that you got honest, especially about the voices in our heads, that not many people are willing to admit in public.
You told her that you were intimidated by her credentials and you thank her for being human with you. Perhaps a backhanded compliment. That’s the kind of talk that alienates you from people. You no longer make small talk and when you do, it comes off so inauthentic, you feed into that self-loathing voice.
Just disappear already. You’re a fucking failure. Why don’t you just give up? You’re not strong enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not well equipped.
“Focus on God and God’s glory,” Marie and Mysty both tell you, two women, whom you met at Home Church.
It is Home Church.
Sherman had taken you to see Pastor Judah Smith that evening you were really suicidal. You had called him because the depression was so bad that the persistent demand to die was almost unbearable. He had taken you to see Judah that evening at the Montage, and that evening Judah had shouted out in the crowd,
“This message is for someone in the audience tonight. If you’re feeling hopeless, if you’re feeling like the pain is just too unbearable, God is telling you to hold on. He has you, he is asking you to have faith that He will deliver on all your pain and adversities. His word is true.”
“What is the one advice you would give yourself?” Z asked you on Espree’s podcast.
You pause and really think about this answer.
“Patience,” you say to her. “Patience with my process. I’m slow and scatterbrained. I don’t always get it right and I get frustrated with myself all the time for not getting it just right cause most of the time it’s not just right. Then I stress eat. Like eating the third butter croissant knowing that I should not have eaten it; Perhaps it’s having the patience and kindness with myself in saying, ‘baby girl, it’s okay.’ ”
Z nods in recognition.
Later that evening, you’re on your second Blue Moon and you asked the man for a cigarette outside. Immediately, you feel your chest hurt.
You failed again. You feel like a loser every time you leave one of those growth hacking or tech startup conferences because you’re not making money.
“That’s cause you don’t have a curriculum,” the beautiful Korean woman tells you at the pre-growth hack summit. She’s right.
“You know that’s my forte too,” you say as if to convince her that you are in fact not an idiot. Rabbit, don’t wait until the last minute. Just do it.
“Execute,” the 25-year-old entrepreneur girl who just sold her first company from Miami tells the group in the social mixer you’re in. “Most people don’t execute.”
You execute. You are just executing in such a way that everything is a fucking learning curve, so you feel like you’re going at a snail’s pace. It’s racing with a fictitious superwoman character that you can never beat, because the girl in your imagination is perfect and superhuman, and you live in the gravity of reality, with limited hours in the day to expend your energy, straggling in the third dimension of chaos, sin, and suffering. And people don’t always do what they say they will do or say what they really mean, so many promises are broken, words are carelessly tossed, and your biggest struggle is to not take it too personally.
“What’s the advice you would give to other women entrepreneurs?” Z asks.
“To not take yourself too seriously. It’s never going to go the way you want it to go. It’s okay to be playful. You don’t have to do it like a man. Do it like a woman,” you say.
As you are outside smoking the cigarette, you meet an eligible Asian man who is doing the e-cigarette thing. You two exchange small talk, and at the end of the five minutes, he gets a phone call, and after the convo, he says to you, “Good luck, I hope to see you around,” and leaves. You think of the Tinder first date experience you had not too long ago. You both met up at Wholefoods and the next date would have been a block away but he flaked. You later asked why and he said, “You’re cute. You seem sweet, but I’m looking for hot.”
“Fair enough,” you text him back.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but frankly, there was no chemistry. You would have ghosted him after one date perhaps after you milked him for a free dinner. Instinctively, he may have picked this up.
You wear your heart on your sleeves, and most men could tell when a woman is feeling a man or not, especially women in Los Angeles. We are notorious for using a man for the free dinner and then ghosting. Men are just catching up and doing the same. We cut twice as sharp, three times as deep the wounds we make in our self-absorbed superficiality–what is the guy wearing, making, and building?
Or perhaps you’re just getting older, perhaps the stress of growing a profitable nonprofit from a teacher’s retirement salary, grounded upon a grand vision has caused more pimples, white hairs, and sagging face (Joey calls it “Resting bitch face”) as the cost of the weight from growing a big vision.
“LA women are known for being superficial,” Z mentions somewhere during the interview. You look away from her, perhaps out of guilt.
“Yeah, some of us are like that,” you say. You included, so then you question your motives as to why you are so ‘into’ Branson.
He has a nice car, a homeowner, and knows his industry.
“You’re in your 40s, you have a business, and you are a homeowner. You’re prime real estate for so many women, especially black women,” You had told him bluntly, “And if I ever were to be with you, I’ll get lots of hate from black women.”
“I don’t care about that,” he says.
But he does care.
And he will cheat on you with other women–of all races. Not because he is black, because he’s a businessman with a business mentality, and the odds of the two of you staying faithful to each other without placing faith in God to guide your lifestyle is slim to none. Especially in this town, in the heart of media, music, and movies, where you walk among women who are 10s and you’re a 7, stubbornly holding onto a child-like heart, who only wanted to be intimate with everybody as a stand for elevating our entire human consciousness.
In the city of angels and fallen angels, at the heart of convenience, consumption, and commodities, you wonder if love can still grow from the concrete jungle.
“I need to get out of this city,” you commiserate to your soul sister, Sandy. She had picked up your phone call at 10:35 pm on a Friday evening.
You were in a lot of emotional pain.
Feelings of low self-worth kicked in hardcore after the pre-growth hack summit put on by Justin Wu and Thomas Ma, two genius self-made men who reminded you so much of your friend David, the doctor, who just made success happen from wit, intellect, and good old disciplined hard work, and many other hardworking intelligent Asian men.
No fucking secret sauce.
Just 100% execution and lots of humility.
And tonight, you were not humble at all. You were being insecure and arrogant, claiming that you are Justin’s friend, and you are. Given that most of them have met each other through social media, given the amount of face to face you’ve had with Justin, you’ve considered him a friend–like a brother, in some sort of way. Perhaps you’ve longed for a little brother and you’ve projected a big part of that onto men who exuded responsibility, hard work, and humility. Qualities you love and the best way to preserve a relationship like that is to have a kind of brother-sister friendship.
“Woman, you’re fucking amazing. Have you thought that perhaps things aren’t happening for you is because the man of your dreams is also searching for you?”
Sandy always knows how to make you smile even when you feel the shittiest.
“We think that we have to do all the searching, but we forget that there is a man each of us is destined for who is also probably talking about us right now. He’s probably saying to his buddy, ‘dude, where are all the authentic good-hearted girls?’ Do you know how rare women like you and me are?”
You appreciated the ego-boosting, but somewhere you detected inauthenticity. You and Sandy are by no mean angels. You both have hurt nice guys, calculating in our choices of men, and negligent as a result of being too much in our own heads that we inadvertently avoid intimacy with the men who love us the most. You don’t protest because you also sense that Sandy needed this conversation as much as you needed it tonight.
“I used to think that marketing was manipulative, but that’s B.S.,” you told Z earlier that morning at Espree’s podcast show. “But now I realize it’s just my avoiding the responsibility of being with people.”
Z’s eyes lit up, “Marketing, when done right, is so transformational. When it’s done carelessly, it’s spam.”
“Well this is a different type of interview,” she tells you after all is finished.
You are proud and ashamed when she says that. You are fucking tortured. Almost always. You forgot to mention that in the podcast.
You did tell her that you have the victim and judge voice constantly nagging you like a broken record.
“I’m constantly fighting the voices in my head that I’m not good enough, I’m not qualified, I’m not going to make it so just give up. And then there’s the other voice that says, ‘I’m super awesome, it’s all me. I created it. Nobody gets to claim it because I did it all by myself,’ which is also an illusion.
You forgot to mention that you are irritated at people, impatient with all of our processes, at God for not rapturing all of us out of here already, and honestly, at the devil for trading his power over love causing us to be here on this mission to experience it, witness it, and transform it all.
You were walking from Urthe Caffe to Peet’s Coffee before the interview time and saw a woman, perhaps without a home, with the Chinese character, Love, on her third eye. She stared right into the man in the blue suit on his headphones making calls, and she called it right out. “You’re just a marketer. All you care about is selling things to people. You’re an empty soul.”
To a normie, she is crazy, but to you, she is speaking truth to him in hopes that he will see it, or perhaps she is possessed by the devil and throwing curses at people to trap them in that state by the sheer magic of her curses. She see’s his character as transparent as an X-ray machine, but you also realize that the way she judges is also ineffective.
You realize that the biggest challenge for those who truly awakened is humility. You realize that to awaken the third eye without the discipline of God’s humility, it will be a walking judge, also trapped in the matrix of illusion. One must have the Holy Spirit and the Third Eye Awakened to elevate in the right direction. An awakened third eye without the Holy Trinity is a hyperspeed towards chaos. It became apparent to you that she was in hell. She thinks she is an ascended Goddess because she can see the daemons. What’s missing is the book of life for her. Holy spirit whispers to you.
One must master humility and compassion for true ascension. Holy Spirit shows you again. The woman who was spilling out truth about him–the dark side of his soul that he is unaware of, but by calling it out only speaks to one’s darkness and condemnation, making it worse. That’s one of the devil’s tools of deceit.
“If I can speak the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am but a loud gong or a clashing cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13, verse 1
And while you know the word, “Crazy,” has been co-opted in the silicon tech world as a cool buzzword, you don’t want to take it to mean the “take a coo coo pill” crazy.
You realize now that when you start utilizing the gift of prophecy blessed by Holy Spirit, it is critical to not call it out.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1 Corinthians 13, verse 6.
“So what will you be up to next?” Z asked.
“To write the playbook for Love Story,” you say.
And somewhere in that playbook, find a way to allow for 1 Corinthians 13, verse 12 to reveal itself. The answer is in the power of myth.
“You have character woman,” Sandy continues. “You have the commitment and do you know how rare that is nowadays with all of our on-demand cultures? Who has the patience for the work you do?”
I did not have the patience. You realize your past.
And now I am exercising patience. You recognize your soul’s process.
but you best know you have Jesus and Holy Spirit, and a healthy fear of God, you’ll be just fine.
You realize as well.
He’s the only thing keeping you anchored.
He’s not letting you go.
You can let go
And still, God will never let you go.
Let Go, Let God take over.
“There’s a saying that Knowledge must be taken rather than given,” Z says.